I have witnessed several national and international tragedies since I have become a mother. Most of them via the media. With each one I have felt a void of of life and laughter in my heart. My heart literally hurt when hearing the news of each community whose voices were drowned, blown up, obliterated by wind, or robbed of life through senseless, illogical violence. I have been trying to find the answer as I raise my children in this life.So I turn to what I know.
Through the persona of a pastor, I know this to be grief. I am well aware of the stages of grief; denial, Anger, Bargaining, depression Acceptance. I have always counseled others that anything is okay during grief; any odd behavior, like not eating or overrating, or ranting, or isolation. It's okay to stay in bed for days or to even be happy for no reason. I tell people that grief is so powerful an emotion that it becomes physical. We physically aren't the same person as we were before we lost someone close. We are different now. We will feel differently and act differently and think differently than we did before. We will likely be changed forever, but someday we will start to feel better, even normal and more like our old selves. But we will not be the same.
And we shouldn't be the same. We all lean on each other and have defined roles to care for each other and when anyone is missing from that complex dynamic, we are all changed. We all must adjust to new roles and new identities. We might go from being a caregiver to a care receiver, and that can be very foreign to us. We may feel like we've lost control or embarrassed that we are in need. We may have to reveal parts of our souls to strangers. We may find we are not in control of our emotions, which may cause us to doubt our grip on reality. From all of these changes in ourselves we may try to be and act normally; having intelligent conversations, being polite with our words, or trying to find solutions to the problem of being unprepared for grief and disaster.
And we will fail. We fail because we have not dug down to the deeper issue of fear that is at the roots of loss and grief. Fear is what drives a person to pick up a weapon and aim it at a defenseless victim. Fear fools us into thinking we can gain some control over our lives by having power over others. And Fear begets more fear. In our interdependence, when one is motivated by fear, he or she can effect all those in his or her circle of influence with fear, whether it be with a weapon, with force, with governance or with words.
On National Public Radio's "Talk of the Nation," we are being asked, What conversation should we be having?" The president answered this in his speech on Monday night when he said, the only answer is love. Love is the answer to fear. Love is the only thing that will move us from denial to acceptance, out of anger and into happiness, out of bargaining illogically and looking for a source to blame to mindful co-creation, and through depression to hopeful transformation. Love is the conversation we should be having.
When we recognize how much fear we have allowed to drive our news reporting, our preaching, our teaching, our politicking, our water cooler conversations, our social media interactions and our personal relationships we can make the choice to reject the power of fear. We have seen how fear plays itself out and it is unacceptable and deplorable. Then we can consciously, in our individual lives and in our corporate lives, choose to love one another and choose to base our actions and decisions on foundations of love.
Love is the answer and love transforms the world. Love is the answer to the root problem of fear in our society. Giving people hope by letting them know they are loved and valued gives people creative options for expressing themselves. While love may seem simplistic or even weak as a leadership strategy, we have seen what the opposite has done. Yet we all have the capacity to love and therefore to make real lasting in our world. Why not try responding and beginning with love this time around. The president told us, "if there is one step we can take to save another child... surely we have an obligation to try." Let's try love.
I am hearing a lot of conversations about gun control, mental illness and increased security in schools all to help us prevent a disaster like the Sandy Hook Elementary School massacre. While conversations in general are usually helpful, especially for sorting out grief and other emotions, I don't think that any measures me implement as a nation will be effective in preventing violence until we all take responsibility for how we have allowed fear to dominate our thoughts, beliefs and actions. Until we can realize how that fear has effected the day to day lives of our society, no actions we take will have any lasting change. Change has to start with our worldview. We need a paradigm shift toward love rather than fear. The shift can begin with each individual who makes a conscious choice not to be afraid, but to be hopeful and envision a future that affirms love. It can start in families and between neighbors and grow into our school boards and our government. Instead of having conversations that begin with fear for the future, start conversations that are filled with hope for the future.
How I would love to hear a news story that polls the nation on creative solutions and hopeful ideas and empowering options for our children and for any struggling to believe that it will get better.
America and beyond, I encourage you to start today by mining all the love you have in you and giving it purpose. Share it in a tweet, a Facebook post, a smile or a prayer. Any loving gesture will create more love in you and in your world.
Let's reject fear in our conversations and interactions. Let's be mindful of how we allow fear to creep into our lives like an invisible addiction and take responsibility by seeking loving responses and affirming loving decisions. Let us not be tempted to be engaged in fear-based debates or to join fear-based movements. Love does not take sides. Love can free us all. Love can transform our lives. Love can provide creative answers. Love can overcome all fear.
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